


'cause we've been driving so long i can't remember how we got here

by Balthamos



Series: ...and I almost thought that I could change the past, and I almost, but that never really lasts... [3]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Allusion to Scars, Allusion to depression, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21957847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: Matteo’s grandmother told her something and she nodded in understanding but didn’t translate. This was going to be tougher than he’d expected. Matteo had tried to teach him a bit, but right now he may as well have taught him Chinese for all the good it was doing him. But he shrugged to himself and he allowed her to lead them inside.It's David's first family Christmas in a long while, and there's nowhere he'd rather spend it than with Matteo on his grandmother's farm.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Series: ...and I almost thought that I could change the past, and I almost, but that never really lasts... [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513148
Comments: 3
Kudos: 87





	'cause we've been driving so long i can't remember how we got here

The moment Matteo’s grandmother pulled the car up to the farmhouse Matteo got out of the car and walked away. David and Laura just stared after him. His grandmother didn’t seem fazed at all. Just got out of the car and gestured for them to come inside. Julia, Matteo’s mother had already been there a week at this point and was waiting for them on the porch. She stood there smiling at them, looking as kind and warm as always. Her hair was swept back out of her face, and she was dressed in dungarees and a t-shirt, just comfortable and already settled on the farm. 

It had been freezing in Berlin when they’d left, but it was milder here. David carried his hoodie over his arm.

Matteo had been excited all week about the trip, couldn't stop telling David about all the things he wanted to show him, all the places he wanted to take him. It was the most David had ever heard him speak if he was honest, and he loved it. The flight was fine, Matteo was a little nervous about flying but so was Laura, they calmed each other down. And it all went smoothly. 

He started getting quiet on the train from Pisa to Lucca, and on the bus journey from there to Barga, he hadn’t said a single word. 

David was worried, Laura was worried too, right now she was craning her neck trying to see where he’d gone.

Matteo’s grandmother said something to them in Italian and gestured for them to head up to the house. They hadn’t been able to speak yet, with Matteo not speaking. But she’d been chattering away to them anyway.

Laura nodded and they both did, grabbing their bags. David grabbed Matteo’s too and headed up into the house. 

It was a beautiful rustic old building. Large and solid, made from light brown brick. David could see where each part had been added over the years. Extended here and there. Matteo had told him his grandmother had lived there all her life and that the farm had been in her family for centuries. 

They were a big family back then, but over the years it had dwindled to just his grandmother. Her aunts and uncles, cousins all moving away. And despite wanting a big family she'd only ever had Matteo’s father. David knew Matteo worried about her being lonely. 

Before he stepped inside he turned back and took another look, out over the vast landscape, it was just breathtaking. Miles and miles of golden fields, a dark green forest surrounding them on one side, and water on the other. He wondered where Matteo had gone, he could be anywhere.

He couldn’t imagine a more perfect place. David had always been a city person, but right now running away to live on a farm seemed appealing. He couldn't believe he’d ever called his godmother’s house rural, it was nothing like this. There wasn’t another house in sight. It had taken them forty minutes to drive from the town.

“Hello David, and this must be Laura,” Julia said, pulling each of them into a hug.

“Where’s Matteo?” she asked.

Matteo’s grandmother told her something and she nodded in understanding but didn’t translate. This was going to be tougher than he’d expected. Matteo had tried to teach him a bit, but right now he may as well have taught him Chinese for all the good it was doing him. But he shrugged to himself and he allowed her to lead them inside.

David stepped inside and stopped dead. It was so grand, a large open hallway, the open living room on one side, a sweeping staircase on the other, probably leading up to the bedrooms. 

David felt a bit out of place. There were stone pillars and grand archways. Everything was light and golden. Spacious and magnificent. This was not the crumbling farmhouse he’d expected. Matteo hadn’t warned him at all, he had always said how lovely the house was, but he’d never described it as the villa it clearly was.

Julia led them upstairs and showed Laura to a guest room. It was large and airy with huge windows, floor to ceiling, the winter sunlight streaming in and casting a soft glow over everything. David didn’t know much about architecture but he could appreciate the design of this place. It may be a farmhouse, but it was well made and beautifully designed nonetheless. He knew Matteo’s grandfather had put a lot of work into the place, trying to make it a more comfortable home for his wife. 

And he’d succeeded. It was so well done, it could have been a villa or a mansion. Looking at this room with the spectacular four-poster bed, the dark oak furniture, and the double doors leading to a grand balcony. You would never guess it was a working farm. Laura just stared at the room, David knew it was a little posher than anything either of them were used too. His parents’ house was nice, especially for Berlin, but nothing like this. Laura just nodded and headed in.

“You get settled and then come down to the kitchen and nonna will feed you,” Julia said. “Shout if you get lost,” she added.

Laura nodded again, clearly speechless and they left her to unpack. David followed Julia down the hall.

“Are you posh or er… rich?” he asked, cursing himself as the words slipped out.

That wasn’t an appropriate question.

Julia just chuckled though.

“You know I asked Matteo’s father that very same question when I first came here, it’s beautiful isn’t it?” she asked.

“It’s the most beautiful building I’ve ever been in,” David said.

“Matteo’s grandfather renovated the entire building,” she told him.

“Yeah Matteo told me,” he said.

“Now he was posh, from a very old family. From the town. Very well to do. But he was nothing like them, far more down to earth. He was an absolutely lovely man, so quiet, so thoughtful, very much like Matteo I always thought. And he loved Vittoria so much. He was so kind to me too, always made me feel welcome here, even after things started going wrong with Ricco,” she said.

David nodded. They stopped by a door, David presumed it was where he was staying as there was a hand-painted  _ Matteo _ sign and a  _ Keep Out _ underneath but he didn’t go in yet, wanted to hear Julia’s story.

“When he first moved here, it was with Vittoria’s parents, and they’d had a bad winter. We’re quite far north and it does get cold some years. Vittoria’s father got sick, pneumonia. He was ok, a very hardy man, but the farm was old, in quite a state of disrepair by this point. It was cold. It meant that he couldn’t really be comfortable while he was ill and recovering. Everywhere was damp and draughty,” she explained.

“So what did he do?” David asked, he liked hearing these old stories.

“Winter passed and he began to work on the house, room by room. Just with the idea of making it comfortable for his wife and her family, but he had such beautiful ideas did Arturo and this stunning building is how it ended up,” she said.

David looked around again, he’d done a beautiful job. He didn’t know what the building had looked like before, but old crumbling farmhouse it was not.

“Did they like it?” he asked.

“They loved it, they loved him very much, welcomed him into their family like he was their own son. And it allowed them to stay on the farm comfortably even as they got older and frailer,” she said.

“That’s so nice,” David said.

“Yes it is. Right, this is Matteo’s room,” she said, gesturing to the door.

“It’s not going to be as nice as Laura’s is it?” David asked.

“It’s more lived-in let’s say that. I came up to check and its tidy don’t worry, but it's still what I would call very teenage boy,” she explained

David laughed, and opened the door. He knew what she meant immediately. The bedsheets were space-themed, there were various video game posters on the walls, a tv and game console set up in the corner. Piles of comic books on the desk. Teenage boy indeed. But there were also bookshelves overflowing with books in Italian, German, and even a few in English. It was very Matteo, similar yet different to his room at the WG. It was more lived in. He was settled here, he clearly planned to come back a lot. 

It was a lot more like the room at his mother’s house. Matteo left stuff behind, left it how he liked it so he could always return.

David dropped his duffel bag by the bed and put Matteo’s on the bed. He looked around again and smiled.

“I’m not going to suggest you unpack, so I’ll tell you that you’ll probably find Matteo out in the stables. Shall I show you?” she asked.

“Yes please,” David said.

David followed her back down the stairs and into the kitchen where nonna was at the stove making pasta. It was a huge kitchen, old fashioned with a huge stove, currently covered in various pots. David could smell tomato and garlic, and other things he recognised from when Matteo cooked for him. There was a heavy dark wood table in the middle already set with plates and cutlery. The table was old, scuffed, and worn. Well used. This was the heart of the house David thought. Nonna turned to him and smiled.

“Ciao David,” she said.

“Ciao nonna,” he said, shyly.

“Matteo?”

He nodded, and watched the two women smile at each other. Then Julia guided him to the door.

They stepped outside and Julia pointed to a wooden building in the distance.

“You ok with horses?”

David nodded.

“You’re very shy today David,” she said, “but Matteo will be in there, the stables,” she said.

“Why did he run off?” David asked.

“Why do you think?”

“Last time he was here when he first got here things were bad,” David guessed.

“Yes sweetheart, things were very bad. It's a lot for him to come back even though he was doing so much better when he left. I hope he has more good memories than bad ones of this place,” she said.

“Yeah ok that makes sense,” David agreed, fidgeting.

“Go to him darling,” she said, smiling at him.

David set off for the stables, taking in the rolling fields as he went, the landscape was beautiful here. Everything was so open and vast. It seemed like the farm went on forever. He knew that couldn’t be true it had to end somewhere, but right now he couldn’t tell. He would have to explore with Matteo. Once he found him. He'd brought his camera and his sketchbooks, there was so much to capture. He wanted to go into the woods, he bet it was spooky. He knew Matteo probably wouldn’t want to come with him, but he’d be ok.

He reached the stables and approached the door quietly, not wanting to spook Matteo or the horses. 

"I know you're out there, you can come in,” Matteo said.

David smiled and stepped inside. Matteo was standing by a huge dark brown horse, it must be Espresso, his favourite. He was stroking his mane and murmuring to him. David wasn't afraid of horses but he was a little wary of Espresso, Matteo had said he was very temperamental. Still, Matteo seemed fine so he stepped closer. 

"Hey,” he said quietly. 

“Hey,” Matteo said.

“You took off pretty quickly,” David said.

“Just got a bit… you know…” 

“I know,” David said. 

David took another step closer to Matteo but Espresso whinnied and David froze. That made Matteo smile. 

“You can come closer, he won't like attack you or anything,” he said. 

“Is this your therapy horse?” David asked. 

Matteo had told him how he’d spent hours on the farm just taking care of the horses, Espresso in particular and telling him all his woes. Horses made for good listeners apparently.

“Yeah I tell him all my problems in exchange for apples,” Matteo said, pulling another one out of his hoodie pocket. 

David had no idea where he’d gotten them from. Matteo held the apple out to David who took it.

“Ok now hold your palm flat,” Matteo said, demonstrating what he meant.

David copied apple held out in his flat palm. His hands only shaking slightly. Espresso didn't care, took the apple straight out David’s hand, slobbering over him in the process.

“Gross,” David muttered wiping his hand on Matteo who shoved him away and moved closer to Espresso, knowing David was nervous.

David stepped closer to Matteo, watching Espresso carefully. Espresso watched back but didn't do anything. 

“Want to go for a ride?” Matteo offered cheekily.

“Not really and you can't ride anyway you told me,” David countered. 

“Ah you pay too much attention,” Matteo said.

“Always for you,” David said.

Matteo blushed slightly, a pale pink spreading across his cheeks. He reached for David and took his hands pulling him closer and a little bit away from the looming horse. He smiled and led them over to the corner, where he gestured for them to sit down in the hay.

When they did he leant against David and closed his eyes.

“What's going on?” David asked him.

“I don't know? I think I just got a bit too in my head, and… it was a lot, you know travelling? And then I was stressing that you were going to get bored and want to go home and regret ever coming here because like we're not anywhere exciting like Florence or Rome and I'm not really any good at being a host or a guide or anything and it's just a tiny farm town really and… and…”

David squeezed him, it always seemed to help ground him, the pressure felt good Matteo had told him once. Helped keep him present in his body.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“It's beautiful here, I already love it,” David assured him.

“Really?”

“But more than that is that it's so important to you, how could I not? I think it's distressing for you the idea that I might not like it somewhere so important to you. This place means everything to you right?” David asked.

Matteo nodded. 

“This place saved you and it could be a shithole on the edge of Berlin for all I care because it saved you and allowed you to come back to me so I could never hate it, no matter where that safe place was. But it's not, it really is the most beautiful place I've ever been, I really love it, Matteo,” David said.

“So you're ok to stay?” Matteo asked.

“I don’t get bored as easily as you always think I will. And I’m never bored with you,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo said quietly. 

“But it is a lot fancier than I'm used to,” David said.

“No it isn't?” Matteo said with a frown. 

“I think you might be a bit fancier than I thought,” David teased. 

He scowled now.

“No I'm not,” he argued.

“Matteo this place is huge, the house is huge,” David said.

“There was a big family before, now it's just nonna and the helpers from town in summer. It’s a farm they tend to be big,” Matteo insisted.

“Yeah but the building is beautiful. The arches and pillars, the space. The furnishings. The bedrooms are so huge and so light. It’s nicer than most mansions,” he said.

“My grandpa pretty much rebuilt this place, wanted to make it the perfect home for nonna,” Matteo said.

“Your mother said you’re very like him,” David said.

Matteo tilted back to look at him, smiling like it was the best compliment he could receive.

“Yeah he was quiet. She always loved it here, did mama, I think maybe it’s why she stayed with my papa when they first were dating,” Matteo said.

“It’s nice that your nonna still cares for her,” David said.

“Oh, she does. She knows what papa is like, she didn’t take sides until papa left us and then she was mad, she tried with me and mama back then but things were so... stressful and difficult that I didn’t even contact her when he left, even though I could’ve done with the help, I don’t know why but I thought she would take his side you know? He is her son after all, but she didn’t. She was there for me when I needed her most,” Matteo said. 

“Yeah she was,” David agreed.

“Is mama ok?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah she’s fine. She showed me and Laura our rooms, she knew what was going on I think, her and nonna were talking about you,” David said.

“Yeah they usually get it,” Matteo said.

“They know you well,” David said, “Feeling ok to go in?” he asked.

“In a minute,” Matteo said, still chewing his lip.

“I promise I won’t be bored here Matteo,” David said.

“If you are I can drive you to town,” Matteo offered.

While he would like to see Matteo drive he didn’t think that there was any need to go to town. He stood up and pulled Matteo up with him. Then he stood in front of him, using one hand to lift his face gently, keeping his eyes on him.

“I want to be here,” he insisted.

“I know but-”

“Matteo. I want to be here,” he said.

“If-”

“Matteo,” he said.

Matteo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. David ran his thumb over his cheek, stroking it gently until Matteo let out his breath with a shudder.

“Ok,” Matteo said finally.

“Plus there’s plenty to do, we’ve got to go out every day so I can get pictures and sketches. I would love to do some painting too. Actually, if we could go to town to get paint and supplies at some point that would be great,” David said.

“Oh ok, but there’s probably like art stuff in the attic, nonno used to paint, so we should check there first,” Matteo said.

“Perfect,” David said.

He took Matteo’s hand and led him back to the house.

“No one’s mad right?” Matteo asked.

“No one is,” David assured him.

“Laura?”

“Of course not. Why would she be?” David asked.

He knew Matteo was still a bit nervous around Laura. He needn’t be, she found him sweet. Was always asking David after him. She loved him simply because he made her brother happy. That was all it took.

“When we were on the bus she was talking to me but I ignored her,” Matteo said.

“She’s fine I promise,” David said.

They stepped into the kitchen and Matteo was instantly swept into his grandmother's arms, she hugged him tight and started whispering to him in rapid Italian.

Matteo’s mother smiled fondly and turned to David.

“She’s telling him off, but gently,” she explained.

David nodded, he turned when Laura entered the kitchen and went over to her.

“He ok?” she asked.

“Yeah he’s fine,” David said.

“This place David! You could’ve warned me it was so fancy,” she said, punching him on the arm.

“I didn’t know. Matteo never said anything,” David said.

“Hm. Well, do you reckon we’re supposed to dress up for dinner? Because I have nice clothes but nothing fancy enough for a dinner party,” Laura said, frowning.

“No, Matteo only brought sweaters and jeans so it should be fine,” David said.

“Ok,” she said.

When he turned back Matteo was talking quietly to his mother and his grandmother was smiling at the pair of them, waiting to be introduced properly, seeing as Matteo hadn’t spoken in the car.

Matteo’s mum turned to them. 

“Hello David. And hello Laura it’s wonderful to finally meet you,” she said, bringing nonna over. “Vittoria questa è Laura, la sorella di David.”

David watched as nonna beamed and swept Laura into a hug, then he ducked away to Matteo.

“She’s a better translator than you,” David said.

“Nonna taught her before I was born. They’re very close. Also, I get distracted easily,” Matteo said. “Is there food yet?” he asked, scowling when everyone started laughing at him.

His grandmother said something, still laughing and gesturing at the stove. Matteo continued to scowl, sitting down at the table in a huff. David sat next to him and Laura and mama sat opposite. Mama leaned over to David and Laura.

“She said that the big pot was pasta for Matteo, and the smaller pot was for the rest of us,” she said.

Laura burst out laughing at that, David tried to contain his laughter but failed.

“Funny,” Matteo muttered.

But he grinned when a huge bowl of pasta was placed in front of him.

“Grazie nonna,” he said, smiling again.

“Grazie nonna,” David said when an equally large bowl was put in front of him.

Matteo had warned him that there would be lots of food and he hadn’t been kidding. 

Later after dinner, they were sitting around in the living room. Mama and nonna were teasing Matteo, telling all sorts of stories about him when he was younger. Matteo was bright red and hiding against David who hadn’t stopped laughing the entire time. Laura was also in hysterics.

“Oh what about the time when he caught that tiny bird? Lord knows how. And he brought it into the house and let it free in Arturo’s study,” she said, “It took us three hours to catch it and let it go again,” she said before repeating it in Italian for nonna, who chuckled and reached across to ruffle Matteo's hair. 

“Eri così patatino arrabbiato, volevi tenere l'uccello,” she said.

Matteo just sunk further into David, embarrassed.

“It was pretty,” he mumbled, “I wanted it to be my friend,” he added.

David pressed a kiss into his hair.

Then mama and nonna turned to him and Laura.

“Nonna would like to know a little more about both of you,” mama said.

“Um… Laura, you can go first,” David said.

“What do you want to know?” Laura asked.

“You’re David’s older sister right?” mama asked.

“Yeah, yes,” she said.

“And you two live together?”

“Yes, we have for a long time, pretty much since I started uni,” Laura said.

Mama frowned at that. Nonna noticed and said something to her. They started talking in Italian.

“Nonna is asking what about your parents, mama is telling her not to ask? That all she knows is that it’s a difficult situation and nonna is… I don’t know? Oh she asked if they are homophobes,” Matteo translated.

“Oh it’s ok, she can ask. It’s been a long time now,” David said. “And they probably are,” he added.

They certainly didn’t like anyone different. Anyone who didn’t fit their rigid beliefs of how a person should be. Laura knew how to handle these sorts of questions anyway.

“David and I don’t really have anything to do with our parents,” she said. 

It essentially confirmed mama’s suspicions without going into too much detail. Mama looked at her sadly as she translated. She knew about half of the story. That his parents had kicked him out but not really why. But she hadn’t asked, hadn't pushed for info so David hadn’t gone into it. She’d told him there was no reason he could possibly give her for abandoning a child, that he didn’t need to tell her because it was irrelevant. They were wrong. He’d cried that night, back at the WG in Matteo’s arms.

Mama spoke to nonna for a while and David didn't need Matteo to translate, he saw the expression changes on her face and knew what was being said.

When she was done nonna got up from her chair and grabbed his shoulders, she began to speak quickly and quietly. Matteo began to talk at the same time

“David I’m sorry that your parents felt that way, I’m absolutely disgusted. There is no excuse, family do not abandon one another. But don’t worry you are a part of this family now and we do not abandon each other. My er…” Matteo started giggling. “My foolish bastard of a son not included. Nonna!” he scolded.

“Che cosa?”

“Parolacce,” Matteo said. “Oh and she spoke about you too, Laura. She said you are a good sister sticking by your brother in this way. Even though you are young and it must have been hard. And that you’re always welcome here. Whenever you want. Like if city life gets too much either of you can just come here. She always wants visitors. She has half the townie kids here over the summer just to make the place loud,” Matteo explained.

“It’s a family house it’s meant to be lived in,” mama said.

“Maybe…”

“Yeah?” Matteo asked.

“Maybe we could come again next Christmas?” David suggested.

“I’d like that,” Matteo said.

“And over the summer maybe?”

Matteo grinned.

“So this why you’re dating me? The trips to Italy?” he asked.

“You got me, it’s not because I’m in love with you, no it’s for the holidays,” David said.

Matteo kicked him and David kicked him right back.

“Well with that kind of behaviour maybe I won’t invite you,” Matteo said.

“Oh but you will,” David said.

“I will?”

David grabbed his wrist and pulled him close. 

“You will,” he insisted, holding him tight.

A few days later they went far out into the fields. Nearer to the woods than Matteo usually allowed them to go. Nonna had found out Laura liked to cook, and had insisted she teach her some of the dishes she knew. So they’d all gone into town. Matteo hadn’t fancied that so he and David stayed on the farm. David had packed them some sandwiches and cakes from the pantry in his rucksack and they’d headed out to explore. They went somewhere different every time, there was so much land David wasn’t sure they’d cover all of it. Matteo had told him that they could go further than the edge of the farm. As long as they were considerate and careful they could venture through the neighbouring farms and if they walked for a few days they would end up by the sea. David thought that sounded perfect. He hoped in the summer they could come with a tent and try that.

“What are the woods like?” David asked as they walked.

“I don’t go in there,” Matteo said.

“Scared?” 

“Yeah,” Matteo admitted.

“Ok whereabouts do you want to go?” David asked.

“Follow me?”

David nodded and they walked in silence for a bit, parallel to the trees until Matteo found a spot he deemed suitable. Near enough to the forest to satisfy David’s curiosity but only near the edge, where the trees were much thinner. 

“Ok?” David said as they sat down.

“Mm.”

“You’re quiet today,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo said. 

“It’s not a bad thing, you’re just a quiet guy. As long as nothing is wrong,” David said.

“No I’m happy,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“Happy you’re here. Happy I can show you this place. I always feel safe with you but here I feel safe even on my own,” Matteo explained.

“That’s so good Matteo it’s so good you have this place,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“I like it here,” David said.

“Really?”

“Yes I promise,” he insisted.

David had learned pretty quickly that it was always like that, that Matteo needed a lot of reassurance, but he was happy to give it.

“Good. I had hoped you would,” Matteo said.

“Can we really come back?” David asked.

“Of course,” Matteo said.

“Nonna and mama said I was part of the family now,” David said quietly.

He’d almost cried then when they’d said that. That they just accepted him no questions asked, when his own parents had abandoned him without haste.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“I’ve not had that in a while, it’s just been me and Laura for a long time. I’d gotten so used to keeping people out, at a distance you know?” David said.

Matteo nodded.

“But with you it’s so easy to let you in, almost too easy really. But it also makes it easier to let others in,” David said.

“Yeah, I get it. It wasn’t until I came back and you stayed with me all that time and not once did you even consider leaving me alone. You were just there for me and it just helped me realise that you were staying, but that so was everyone else,” Matteo said.

“We save each other Matteo,” David said.

“We do,” Matteo said softly, laying back in the grass. 

He closed his eyes. David knew he was still tired from the journey, from school, from his mood dipping a little, so he just scooched closer.

“Are you warm enough?” David asked.

“For a bit,” Matteo mumbled.

David double-checked, running his hands down Matteo’s arms. Satisfied he sat back on his heels and rummaged through his bag, grabbing his sketchbook. Matteo cracked one eye open and peered at him for a moment, before closing it again. 

David looked around, the land here was beautiful, the golden fields, the lush green forests behind them, even the farmhouse down in the valley sunlight glinting off the windows would make a fantastic sketch. 

But David's eyes just kept going back to Matteo, laying there in the grass with his eyes closed, eyelashes fanned, light and golden in the weak winter sun. There was a slight blush painted across his cheeks. His hair was lighter here too, there was something almost fae like about him. Like he was a creature that belonged in the woods behind them.

David couldn’t sketch anything else.

“Laura and-”

“Sorry, can you stay still a minute?”

David knew that was a mistake, knew as soon as he’d said that Matteo would want to move, fidget, instantly restless. But he stayed still and David sketched the rough outline to what he wanted, stared for a full minute committing this look to memory then snapped a photo on his phone.

“Ok you can move,” he said.

“Sure?”

“Yeah,” David said, still sketching.

Matteo stayed still but opened his eyes.

“Are you drawing me?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David admitted.

“I can stay still a little longer,” Matteo offered.

“Ok close your eyes again, you can talk if you stay still,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said, closing his eyes.

“Can you close them more gently? Less squinty?” David asked.

Matteo opened them again and levelled him with a stare but then did as he asked. David watched him for a moment before continuing his sketch.

“What were you saying about Laura?” David asked.

“Just that she seems to fit in nicely with nonna and mama,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, it seems like everyone in my newfound family can cook except me,” David said.

“You can cook if you needed to, you would be fine it’s just you don’t really need to so you don’t,” Matteo said.

“I guess,” David said, shrugging even though Matteo couldn’t see.

“Plus you can do other much cooler stuff,” Matteo said.

“Like what?” David asked.

David noticed Matteo’s fingers twitching and grabbed a clicky top pen from his pencil case and placed it in his hands.

Matteo smiled.

“Don’t smile,” David said,

“What?”

“Don’t smile it changes your face,” David said.

Matteo smiled wider and David swore he saw his eyes roll under his eyelids. Then took a deep breath and relaxed his face again.

“Don’t smile,” he muttered to himself.

He started clicking the pen, turning it over and over through his fingers. David knew it meant he probably had about ten minutes of still Matteo before he would get fed up of that.

“I don’t think mama’s going to come home,” Matteo said quietly.

“Hm?” David asked, concentrating on getting the shading of Matteo’s lips just right.

“I think she’ll stay here for a while,” Matteo said.

“Are you ok with that?” David asked.

“I don’t know,” Matteo said.

David just waited, continued to sketch. Matteo would get the words out when he was ready. He watched the frown lines appear on Matteo's forehead and disappear again as he figured it out.

“Can I say yes and no?” Matteo asked.

“Of course. Can you elaborate?” David asked, moving on to Matteo’s hair and the way it fell across his forehead.

It was getting a little long, but Matteo didn’t seem to care. Not like David who couldn’t go more than four weeks without cutting it all back.

“No because I’ve only just come home right? And we’re just starting to heal,” Matteo explained.

“And yes?”

“Yes because it will do her so much good, her and nonna both, I think she’ll be ok here and that’s more important,” Matteo said.

“Not more important but equally important perhaps,” David said.

“I’m just a bit scared,” Matteo said.

David knew exactly what he was worried about. What he always worried about.

“She won’t forget about you, she won’t stop loving you. She won’t have some big realisation while she’s here and stop loving you,” David said.

Matteo sat up and stared at him.

“How do you know?” he asked.

“Because she’s your mother and she loves you. Because you were away for two years and she thought about you every single day, she missed you every single day. She told you remember?” David reminded him.

He laid back down again.

“Thank you,” Matteo said.

“Always,” David said.

“How much longer?” Matteo asked.

“Five minutes but you can open your eyes now,” David said, he’d already captured the peaceful expression that fell across Matteo’s face when he closed his eyes.

Matteo did.

“Tomorrow will be the first time me and Laura have done Christmas in years,” David admitted.

“Shit what?” Matteo asked.

David hadn’t mentioned it, knew Matteo would stress if he knew. Change their plans, worry the entire time.

“David I’m so sorry I didn’t even think,” Matteo said, staring up at him.

“No it’s not a bad thing or it’s bad because I’m sure you can figure out why we don’t. But I wanted to be here. I wanted to come when you first asked me, it was never going to be a big problem. Not like you’re thinking but… the other day when nonna said I was family I realised how much I missed it, a family Christmas. Matteo, I’m so excited. There’s gonna be food and presents and everything it’s supposed to be and for the first time in years, it doesn’t make me sad or angry. I'm excited. I really am.” 

Matteo was up on his knees in front of him wiping away the tears before they fell.

“I can still be sad about them and happy about this,” David said quietly.

“Of course you can,” Matteo said.

“Thank you for inviting me here Matteo, thank you so much,” David said.

Matteo took the sketchbook out of his hands and climbed into his lap.

“This can be your safe place too,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“If you like,” Matteo said.

“My safe place is wherever you are,” David said.

Matteo closed his eyes at that, and when he opened them again they were shining, but he was smiling so fondly.

“Same,” he whispered, “it’s the same for me,” he said.

“I love you,” David said.

“I love you too,” Matteo said.

Christmas at nonna’s house was a little bit mad. They didn’t do presents on Christmas Eve like back home. Instead Matteo’s mother came in and woke them at the crack of dawn and somehow Matteo had more energy than David had ever seen. Jumping out of bed, and bounding out of the room before running back in and grabbing David forcing him up too.

They got down into the living room and found a very sleepy Laura sitting on a soft comfy chair in the corner of the room, sipping a cup of coffee.

“This is mad,” she whispered.

“I know but…”

He glanced over at Matteo and the childish glee painted on his face and couldn’t begrudge him any of it.

Laura rolled her eyes.

“Coffee for you boys,” mama said, placing a cup in front of each of them and pouring it from the pot,

David took it gladly Matteo ignored it.

“Presents mama,” he insisted.

“Wait for nonna Matteo,” she scolded gently.

He huffed.

“You’ve turned into a five-year-old,” David said.

“I don’t care,” Matteo said.

David raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t. I’m happy and safe and with everyone I love and this is my first family Christmas in four years so I don’t care if I'm being childish,” Matteo said.

David just grinned and snapped a photo of his smiling boyfriend.

He didn’t think he’d ever seen him happy like this, not in this carefree giddy way. He took another photo and another until Matteo grabbed the phone out of his hands and wrestled him to the ground. David may have been tired but not so much that he couldn’t flip them over and straddle Matteo, pinning him to the floor.

“Boys,'' Laura warned quietly from the chair.

Matteo ignored her and blew a raspberry at him.

David pinned his wrists with one hand and used his free hand to tickle Matteo's side.

Matteo squealed and squirmed underneath him.

“Oh mio!” Nonna cried, walking into the room.

David flushed dark red and climbed off Matteo, pulling him up into a sitting position. Matteo’s cheeks were red too, but he didn’t seem embarrassed like David. He just grinned at his grandmother.

“I warned you,” Laura said.

“What on earth was all that noise?” mama asked, coming back into the room. 

Nonna said something and now it was Matteo’s turn to blush and stammer, head down. David felt his cheeks get even hotter, but he just laid his head on Matteo’s shoulder.

“Time for presents then?” mama asked.

“Yes please,” Matteo said, crawling forward and grabbing his bundle from under the tree, he handed a parcel to Laura, mama and nonna.

“You can have yours in a bit,” he said to David.

Matteo watched carefully as they opened his gifts to them.

He’d gotten Laura a book of knitting patterns which she beamed at before jumping off the couch hugging him and pressing a kiss to his still red cheeks. 

For his grandmother, he’d gotten a small wooden sculpture of an owl. David didn’t really get it, but he’d seen similar objects around the house and the way his grandmother teared up it must have meant something to her.

Matteo was quiet when his mother opened his gift to her. It was a photo book. Like Matteo she liked to look through all their memories. So he’d put together all the family photos of happy times the for the two of them. He’d explained to David that he’d had to keep them safe from her for a while. And then there were newer photos too. There were large gaps in time and Matteo had tried to make up for that with the newer photos. It was David who suggested he leave space for the photos in the future.

“Thank you, Matteo,” she whispered.

Matteo relaxed, he’d been worried that it would upset her, but David had assured him she would love it.

“Matteo your grandmother and I got you this,” she said quietly, handing over a small neatly wrapped package.

Matteo took it and smiled.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Open it, dummy,” Laura said. 

David looked over and grinned at her. Matteo opened the parcel carefully, peeling it from the edges rather than tearing into it. A nervous frown on his face. He placed the wrapping paper to one side and opened the cardboard box. He pulled out a wide, dark brown leather cuff. It was large and chunky, but plain. Very Matteo.

About a month ago Matteo had told him, he wished he could wear bracelets so that maybe he could get away with not wearing the long sleeves all the time. He didn’t mind the jumpers but sometimes at home or when they were at a party he did tend to get a bit warm. He blamed David for it too. Said he’d always been cold until he met him. David didn’t see that as a bad thing though. They’d been at mama’s house for dinner, and she must have gotten the idea then.

Matteo stared at it for a while turning it over in his hands, running the strings through his fingers. No one spoke for a full minute until mama broke the silence.

“Is it ok?” she asked carefully.

Matteo nodded swallowing hard. He closed his eyes and held his arm out to David who carefully rolled up his sleeve and put the cuff on, tying it tightly, leaving the strings long so Matteo could fiddle with them.

“Ok,” he said quietly when he was done.

Matteo opened his eyes and looked at his wrist twisting it and turning it over. Smiling slightly.

“Thank you, mama, nonna,” he said, getting up and pressing a kiss to each of their cheeks.

“Prego,” nonna said.

His mother just smiled and ruffled his hair.

Laura went next, handing out her parcels with a wide smile. She’d been excited about this since David had invited her. She’d missed it more than he had. David tried not to feel guilty about it.

He opened his gift. She’d gotten him the new lens he was after for his camera. She always paid attention to that stuff. For Matteo, she had gotten some fidget toys which he began to play with immediately. David knew they’d probably lost his attention for the rest of the day.

She gave mama and nonna hand-knitted gloves and scarves. They both hugged and kissed her in thanks.

“Laura, David these are from nonna and me,” Mama said, handing them each a package.

Laura went first opening a box containing a small plant.

“Questo è stato coltivato qui, abituato al clima più caldo, ma se ottiene abbastanza sole, fiorirà entro la primavera, e dai colore alla tua vita,” nonna said.

“Something about sunlight, flowers, and colour?” Laura asked.

Mama nodded, but David frowned.

“Do you speak Italian now Laura?” he asked.

“A bit,” she admitted.

“Since when?” he demanded.

“There was a girl once,” Laura said shyly.

“It’s always for love,” Matteo’s mama said gently, turning to nonna to explain.

Then it was David’s turn. He opened up his present and stared. It was a camera, an old school polaroid camera, he couldn't accept this.

“Apparteneva a mio marito,” nonna said.

He somehow knew what she was saying before Matteo could translate.

“It was my grandfather's,” Matteo said, “I told her you draw and make films and she wants you to have it. It still works,” he said.

“Matteo these are worth a fortune,” David argued.

“Voglio che tu lo usi per creare ricordi,” nonna said.

“Not as much as the pictures you might take with it. Use it to make memories,” Matteo said.

“Thank you so much,” David whispered.

Nonna just enveloped him in a hug. And then mama joined in. Christmas had never been like this at home, even when his parents still loved him. He missed them still, he wished he could have this with them. 

He handed his gifts out but like Matteo held his for Matteo back.

For Laura he’d gotten her a cookbook. It looked like an old fashioned one, big and heavy. A checkered pattern on the cover. But inside it was empty, blank for her to write her own recipes down in rather than the various scraps of paper she had stuck to the fridge. 

“Thanks, David I love it,” she said, running her fingers over the cover.

He’d struggled with mama and nonna and talked about it at length with Matteo. A few days later Matteo had produced each of their favourite photos. Nonna’s was her and her husband holding a baby Matteo. Mama’s was of just Matteo, in his choir robes singing in church, aged around ten. Matteo had been very reluctant to hand that over. But he had and David hadn’t teased once. Instead he’d done a sketch of them, then framed them. Then he’d taken a copy of the photo of Matteo and put it on his phone. But now that he was handing them over he felt they were inadequate. He suddenly wished he’d just bought them something.

But as soon as they opened them he knew it was a good gift. Nonna began to cry immediately and mama wasn’t much better. They hugged him again tightly like he was precious to them and David felt so loved and welcomed into the family that he almost found himself crying too. He exchanged a look with Laura and saw the same expression mirrored on her face.

Now there was only Matteo’s gift to him, and his gift to Matteo.

They handed them over, smiling at each other.

“I didn’t know what to get you, for ages I had no idea. I’ve never done this before you know. And I got really stressed about it,” Matteo said.

“Matteo,” David said.

“And I asked everyone and all their suggestions were useless,” Matteo continued.

“Hey,” Laura said.

“Or just not special enough. Because it’s you, you know?” he said.

David felt his face getting hotter.

“So then I asked you remember?” Matteo asked,

David frowned.

“No?”

“Yeah you were half asleep and I asked you what you wanted for Christmas,” Matteo said.

David didn’t remember that at all.

“What did I say?” he asked.

“You said nothing, that you were happy and that everything was perfect now,” Matteo said.

“Did that annoy you?” David asked.

“Yeah, I was furious. Like I really had to think because no one would help. But anyway I hope you like it,” Matteo said.

David opened the packaging carefully, inside was a brown card box which gave him no clues but on top of the box was a book, a beautiful heavy notebook, the cover was printed like an old map. David opened it so carefully, the front page had a note from Matteo.

_ David,  _

_ I know you go through book after book, and you have piles of them now, I actually bought this years ago when I was in town, I saw it and thought of you. Then I went home and cried because I never thought I’d get the opportunity to give it to you. _

_ But I did. I came back and you let me back in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be your christmas present, but I didn't know how to give it to you. You know how I am, I felt like maybe it was stupid to have bought you something in the time I was away. When nothing was going on with us. _

_ Except there was never nothing going on with us. I’m getting better at believing that now. And also that it was inevitable that I came back to you. So really buying you a notebook wasn’t even that weird. And it belongs to you. _

_ Also I know it’s not a sketchbook, but it was just too perfect not to get it. I love your art but I also love all your ideas, all your little thoughts and whims and you can fill this book with them. _

_ Love, _

_ Matteo _

David looked up at him smiling.

“Thank you, thank you,” he whispered.

“Open the box?” Laura said.

“What is it?”

“Open it,” Matteo said.

David opened it carefully, it was filled with stuff. The first thing he pulled out was a mug that said  _ Detroit.  _ Then he found a little vampire figurine. A snowglobe with a little church inside. A toy clapperboard. A toy car.

“These were just things that I found over the years that reminded me of you, of us,” Matteo said, “Like how you collect things?” 

David nodded.

Underneath it was some paper, David pulled it out, it was just a printed map of Berlin with various markers, dots and circles on it. Down in the corner was a circle and a number one over their pool.

“I thought maybe… we could go on some more adventures? Like exploring some of these places? I researched online, these are the best places. We could make silly films like we did that time, and-”

David launched himself at Matteo, forgetting their audience, kissing him hard until they were both sprawled out on the floor.

They only broke apart when Laura cleared her throat.

“Dovrei mandarti nella tua stanza,” nonna said.

Matteo giggled but didn’t translate. David didn’t care, this boy, this thoughtful boy. He loved him so much.

“My turn,” Matteo said quietly.

David nodded, he had nothing to say about this gift.

Matteo opened the parcel so carefully, hands trembling, he placed it down in front of him and then looked up at David.

“You can look at every page now,” he said.

Matteo nodded. He knew what it was what it meant. His old sketchbook from high school, it had been three-quarters full when he’d shown it to Matteo that day. And he had plenty of others, but that one, it became Matteo’s after that evening. All he could draw in it was Matteo, all he could write about was Matteo. There were countless pages and notes attached to the back, where he’d added to it, every time he’d thought of Matteo over the years. He wasn’t ever going to stop, but he thought it was time for Matteo to have this. He knew Matteo still had days where he doubted everything, days where no matter what David said he couldn’t understand why he loved him. He wanted Matteo to have this as proof, to look at this when his brain was bullying him, to remind him he was so loved and treasured. He wanted to show Matteo exactly how he saw him. How he’d always seen him.

“David this is your heart,” Matteo whispered.

And he knew Matteo would get it.

“It’s yours,” David whispered back.

David looked around and all three of them were watching him fondly, even Laura was looking at him like she’d never seen him before. He was a bit put out by that. He could be romantic. He looked back at Matteo who was shaking now, so he stood up and reached out his hand, pulling him up when Matteo grasped it tight. In his other hand he clasped the book to his chest.

“We’ll be back for dinner,” David said, pulling him away without waiting for a response.

“Where are we going?” Matteo asked when they got outside.

“Let’s run away for a while,” David said

Matteo smiled and nodded and allowed David to pull him through the golden fields, no destination in mind, he just wanted to get them alone somewhere.

They ran until Matteo couldn’t run anymore and then they walked a little further. David looked back, he could see the house in the distance. He looked at it and thought about what it meant, for Matteo it meant somewhere safe. For David it meant family, it meant tradition. Yes he had Laura and she was his family. But so was Matteo, so was mama and nonna. They’d welcomed him with open arms, Laura too. He could see it now, ten, twenty years from now they would still be coming back here to this beautiful place.

He turned back and laughed when Matteo just collapsed into the long grass, flopping down and reaching for David to join him. Breathless and smiling. David laid down beside him. Matteo still had the book clasped tightly against his chest.

“Did you like it?”

“You’ve loved me for a long time,” Matteo said.

“I have,” David said.

“I believed you, when you told me I believed you but this, I still had no idea David,” Matteo said. 

“I know, and I thought maybe this could quiet that voice sometimes,” David said.

“I love you too, I don’t even know how to prove-”

“I know. I know you love me. It’s obvious, it’s in everything you do, everything you say. I know Matteo,” David promised.

Matteo pulled him closer until he was on top of him, pressing him into the ground. Laying on his chest and listening to his heart. Matteo’s hand in his hair. This was exactly where he belonged.

This time last year he was close to giving up. Pretty much set on the idea that Matteo was gone, never coming back. That he’d had his chance and thrown it away. That he’d lost Matteo forever.

But all this time Matteo had been thinking of him just like he’d thought of Matteo. He’d collected all those things that reminded him of David, and kept them and treasured them, even though it must have been a painful reminder for him.

They'd both spent the past two years thinking they’d lost the other. It had been hard and lonely, so lonely. It had taken them perhaps a bit longer than either of them would’ve liked but they’d found their way back to each other. Now he’d gotten Matteo back he knew how inevitable it was that they would find each other again. How it just made sense. The moment Matteo got back to Berlin it was almost as if he were on a path bound for him. David knew now how pointless it was trying to avoid Matteo that first week after he saw him. He was never going to be able to stay away from him.

Loving Matteo was easy, the easiest thing in the world. His love for Matteo came so naturally to him, it was as natural to him as breathing. He couldn’t stop. He’d hurt himself trying, pushing Matteo away, losing him, it had hurt him so badly. Hurt both of them so badly. But it wasn’t his fault, he knew that. They’d both been hurt but now they were healing. And some days were hard, both of them had their own struggles. David doubted himself just as much as Matteo and it was hard to fight that sometimes.

It scared him sometimes just how much he loved him. Just how vulnerable he felt around him, it was hard for David, to let someone in. But that’s why they worked. Because David had voiced his fears, late at night, when they were curled around each other, and Matteo just got it. Just told him he understood and that he wasn’t going anywhere. That they had all the time in the world now.

Matteo often told him that he’d saved him but Matteo had saved him too. He trusted Laura because she was his sister, she’d been there for him his whole life. Matteo was something else, he’d been a stranger, there’d been no reason to trust him. But he had almost instantly, he’d fought with himself and pushed him away over and over again but it never worked. Matteo taught him to trust people, open up to them, let them in. He’d stopped keeping his friends at a distance, he wasn’t lonely anymore, and it still scared him, that it could all be snatched away. But running away, hiding from everyone, being alone, it was no life, not for him. He needed people, Matteo had reminded him of that.

He tilted his head to look at his boyfriend.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Matteo said. “I… I would go into the forest with you if you asked me to, even though it terrifies me,” he said.

“I would never ask you to,” David said.

“I know, that's what I mean, you would never make me, you know me so well. You know what I can handle, what I need,” Matteo said.

David smiled so widely his face hurt.

“Merry Christmas Matteo,” he said softly.

David was happy, so happy. He didn’t remember ever being this happy at Christmas. He was happy because Laura was happy, Christmas used to make her so sad. He was happy because he felt like part of a family. He was happy because this new family allowed him to be who he was. He was happy because he was in love. He was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is it. My last fic of the year! I can't believe how much I've written this year, after years of not writing anything. But I love writing about these two, and I have loads more to write in the new year, hopefully enough to keep me going until summer!  
> And I love this verse, so hopefully, I'll come back to it if I have more ideas, but for now, it's done.
> 
> Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays,
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


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